he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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