I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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