I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
