9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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