I just saw a hot homeless man
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
grandma shit on top of the toilet
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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