but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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