GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Found the puke drawer
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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