Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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