you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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