she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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