the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
