Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
