woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
