I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
