i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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