It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
