So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
