We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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