Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
