Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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