there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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