So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
