Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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