Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
