I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
