Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
