Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
