i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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