I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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