i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
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I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
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Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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