You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
