matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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