____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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