everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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