The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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