I wish I could teleport
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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