just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
