Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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