I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
