my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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