my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
