From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
