this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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