i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
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By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
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Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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