I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
