Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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