I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
why is half of my head shaved?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
