not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
