How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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