omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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