i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
