k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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