Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
