I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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