I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
