ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
