My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
