So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
